Ugh..

Dear Diary,

Today started out pretty dreary for me. I woke up around 5am, took my morning run, and wrote a few pages of my book. I'm not feeling too well today. I think I'm coming down with some type of sinus thing. Ugh! I feel crappy. But I'm not complaining. Why? Simple...

I woke up this morning.

Later today I am accompanying my mother to the doctor. They will be giving her a rundown of everything that will take place during her surgery and the days after. I'm actually getting alittle nervous. I am positive that everything will work out fine, because they caught it early. I made an oath with myself never to neglect my health. Just because I've always been a healthy person doesn't mean anything these days! Situations can change dramatically, so fast.

I have resolved to be strong for her. I think it will help our relatioship and her opinion of me if we fight this one together. With the support of other family members, we all can beat this. The only "good" thing that came out of this is the doctor forbade her to drink anymore alcohol. She's having a tough time giving it up, but I have faith that she will.

I've been thinking about Blake alot. All night to be exact. I wondered if it was wise to kiss him like I did. Hugging is one thing, but kissing makes it worse. Someone brought that to my attention and he is right. It does make it worse! It makes my brain glaze over with Blake to where all I can think about is Blake!

I want to do the right thing concerning him. No more touching and no more kissing (sigh). Those who are in a loving relationship have no idea what it's like NOT to be in one, and wish you WERE in one. I don't want to give in to carnal desires and have him in the way I want him. At least not yet. There comes a time where I must put aside my fleshly desires and think of the big picture, the long run, so to say.

How would he think of me if we made love? True it might be special at the time, but he knows my convictions. I haven't made love to anyone in four years only because I refuse to have meaningless sex. And even sex without being married to the person (deep down) does not appeal to me. Because it's like this. Boyfriends will come and go, but if you have a husband who loves you and only you, that's a forever thing.

I have a constant battle within me. Between my natural sexual desires and the morality that governs me. Quite often, that fierce desire almost wins. But my convictions are not just my convictions...

They're my life.

In the long run, whenever I marry again (and I will), I will have the joy in knowing that I waited, without cheating myself or the man I choose to marry. I am quite proud to say that I've only been with one guy sexually; Nathan, and none since him.

So for now, I am not going to allow my need for companionship to crowd out my better judgment. I refuse to allow my morals to yield to the burning desire within me.

I SHALL CONQUER!

Faithfully,
Molly

I hate drama!

Dear Diary,

It's been a ROUGH day! It seems like my day gets better and then gets worse. Let me record what happened today. I will start by saying GUYS ARE STRANGGGEEEE!!!

Today I was down at my favorite bistro sitting outside on the patio. I usually steal away to my favorite spot and dream up ideas for my current book, dream up ways to be happy, and simply dream. Today was no different. It started out well. Blake sent me a good morning text while I was running. It was so nice to get a hello from him. I texted him back and told him I had contracted an ASL tutor from the local college to help me learn ASL. (That's just a fancy way of saying I requested Gizelle's help - hehe)

He was thrilled. He responded: you did that for me!!?? :o)

I replied: Well, duh... Then I didn't hear from him for a while.

Apparently I'm a creature of habit and everyone else knows my habitual rituals. I was sitting in the shadows of the ATL skyline, sipping on a sweet iced tea when Blake shows up! I was literally shocked. It was like he jumped right out of my thoughts. I just stared at him like: Are you real? haha. He smiled and took a seat. I guess he assumed I wanted company, but I really didn't. I decided to deal with it and enjoy the time I had with him. There was more contact than we had before. For instance, hand holding, his touching my arm, hair, etc. I put me on a sensational edge. He makes my hair stand on end in a good way.

It was all going so well until ANDREW shows up. The bastard starts yelling at me in front of everyone! He tells me that I messed up a good thing with Kaitlen and that it was my fault that she kick him out. I laughed and said: She should have kicked your gay a$$ out of there a long time ago. He didn't think it was funny. He said: I am NOT gay!

I laughed again. We had attracted an audience. I figure he came in to embarrass me so I was going to embarrass him. I told him I know about his attending the gay pride march in downtown a couple weeks ago. He turned RED with ANGER!

I swear it looked like he was going to hit me. Blake thought so too. He jumped up and stood between he and I. Andrew said: "Oh what's this? You got this deaf and dumb boy fighting your battles?"

I told Blake to relax and let me handle it. It took him a while to "listen" to me but he finally did. He backed away. Andrew continued to say a whole bunch of cruel things to me. He said things just to hurt me.

For instance, he said: "you're no good. Why do you think you haven't been with a guy in so long? Because no body want you. You "ain't" no good, Molly. You can't even keep a child, let alone a man."

Although I knew what he was saying was just a bunch of crap, it still cut deep. The managers eventually tossed him out for harrassing their favorite customer (evil grin). Blake sat there staring at me after the smoke had cleared. I was a little stunned to say the least. The thought that someone thought that poorly of me hurt alittle bit. Honestly it hurt alot.

Blake walked me home and he hugged me at the door. I held on to him for a very long time. I hadn't realized I was crying until I felt my own tears on his shirt. We stood there hugging and crying together for the better most of 15 minutes. After I composed myself, I gave him a tender kiss and went inside. I wanted to invite him in. I was so vulnerable at the time. He noticed my vulnerability and encouraged me to go and get some rest.

I am so grateful for Blake. I know he wanted to come inside with me too, but he showed the utmost respect for me when he did that. God help me, I may be falling in love.

Faithfully,
Molly

First Kiss

Dear Diary,

Today I am floating on clouds, so to speak. After a very stressing Saturday, Blake invited me to Sunday Brunch. I accepted his invitation. I took along my mom. I had to pay her $100 to behave. {laughing} She was so well-behaved, I was shocked! When I told Blake I was bringing my mother, he brought his too. It was weird at first, but Blake's mom and mine had a great time. Turns out, they went to the same school some years ago and they talked about old times the entire time we were there.

Blake was so sweet, but he "kept his distance". He sat on the opposite side of the table from me and kept "quiet" for a majority of the breakfast. He asked me a couple times if I were okay.

I told him that I was. And it was the truth too. There was something about being there with him that made me forget all about what happened with Kaitlen. He stared at me with those penetrating green eyes. I felt like he was looking straight into my heart.

I smiled at him and said: "Why are you staring at me?"

He signed: Because you're beautiful.

He made me laugh. I'm not sure if it was a nervous laugh or what. But I couldn't stop laughing. My mother asked me if I had popped a screw. {haha}

I told her I would be back, and I took Blake's hand and we took a walk down the block. I attempted to sign: I care about you so much. But it didn't come out like that. He giggled and taught me how to say it in sign.

I sat with him on a street bench and I swear when I looked into his eyes, everyone and everything else seemed to disappear. It was just he and I. I told him that I was uncomfortable about the communication barrier, BUT... I was willing to learn.

My heart was screaming at me to tell him that I wanted to date him regularly, but my brain wouldn't allow me to say those words. I told him that I do care for him and I feel in time, our friendship could blossom into something wonderful, unique, and promising.

He smiled. God, I love his smile. His teeth are so white they could blind you!

He signed: We are friends?

I said: Of course we are.

Then it happened. He took my face in his soft hands and he brought his lips to mine. When he kissed me, his lips trembled. His lips were as soft as I had imagined. Maybe softer. There was such gentleness in his kiss. I could feel his heart beating through his kiss. Blake had so much love to give. I could tell. A girl would have to be an idiot to pass him up. Slowly I pulled away from him. When our lips finally pulled apart, there was a spark of something. Call me crazy, but I felt it. It was there.

He smiled at me and signed: Thank you

All I could do was nod my head. I was buzzing all over. My lips tingled, my ears tingled, and a few other things tingled. He had supercharged me. I took his hand and we walked back to the bistro where our mothers were still yapping. We sat down and finished visiting with our mothers.

What a way to end my weekend. On a super positive note. But I will as I said before, handle the situation with him with extreme care. I don't want either one of us to get hurt.

If only life was perfect.

Faithfully,
Molly